Four Surprising Ways My 2e Kids Blossomed Through Belonging
"You have a choice to make: Change the environment — or change your child."
Parents of twice-exceptional (2e) kids can often point to a defining moment in time when they knew something had to give. For me, that moment came when one of my children had to leave the gifted and talented program in sixth grade.
Parents of twice-exceptional (2e) kids can often point to a defining moment in time when they knew something had to give. For me, that moment came when one of my children had to leave the gifted and talented program in sixth grade.
He had the intellect to qualify, but it wasn’t long before he discovered that there were other expectations he couldn’t imagine meeting at the time — like, neatness, organization, and the motivation and stamina to consistently complete all the work on top of his regular homework.
The situation reached a head after my child spent his summer creating a 50-page research report for the program. When he tried to turn in the report, his teacher told him it was too messy and he needed to redo it — something he was unwilling to do. The research was excellent — but no one at school ever saw his hard work.
The focus was on the output, not the learning. For 2e kids, the message is often unspoken but clear: You can belong here—once you behave like this, achieve that, or stop struggling with this other thing.The heartbreaking irony is that these kids are already trying harder than anyone realizes. They’re navigating a world that rarely understands their wildly uneven learning profiles, their sensory sensitivities, or the tangle of gifts and challenges that make them who they are. For us parents, it’s gut-wrenching to hear that our kids can only belong once they check boxes they might not be able to check yet.
Another parent recently described this turning point better than I ever could: “You have a choice to make: Change the environment — or change your child.”
I made a decision: I would stop asking my kids to change and start advocating for environments that embraced them just as they are. At the time, I couldn’t find that elusive environment, so I created one myself. (You can read more about that journey here.)
Here are four surprising ways my 2e kids blossomed once they were finally allowed to start from a place of belonging:
1. Self-regulation became possible.
When my kids felt like they truly belonged, their anxiety levels dropped. That constant hypervigilance—worrying about whether they were "good enough" and the risk that they would be exposed as deficient in some way in front of other students—faded away. This created the mental space they needed to practice self-regulation. I used to think they lacked the skills to manage their emotions, but now I see that they lacked the safety to try.
Creating an environment of unconditional belonging didn’t mean overlooking struggles. It meant supporting them without making those struggles a condition of acceptance. For my kids, that shift was everything.
2. Their strengths began to shine.
Before, so much energy went into "fixing" what they struggled with that there was little room or desire for my kids to explore their strengths at school. But once the focus shifted to celebrating who they already were, something beautiful happened: their natural abilities began to emerge. One, who had only written in private, started to share stories and complete assignments (unevenly, of course!). The other, an artist, started to include drawings in assignments, but only when it was his choice, not when the teacher asked. Creating a sense of belonging creates openings; it doesn’t change the child into someone they are not or “cure” challenges.
When belonging wasn’t contingent on performance, their gifts started to flourish naturally.
3. They took more risks.
Belonging created a foundation of trust, and trust is the birthplace of courage. For 2e kids, the risk of failure can feel enormous. (Read more about why the stakes feel so high.) But in an environment where they knew they wouldn’t lose their place, even if they stumbled, my kids started to take chances in the classroom and in advocating for themselves.
If they were tackling a subject that previously felt overwhelming, they became braver. It wasn’t because they suddenly had all the skills—they didn’t. It was because they finally had a safety net.
4. They felt free to be themselves.
This one was the most profound. When my kids felt like they belonged without conditions, their guard came down. They stopped pretending to be someone else and started leaning into their quirks, their passions, and even their mistakes.
For 2e kids, the world often says, “Be more of this, less of that.” But the truth is, they don’t need to be less anything. They need to be more themselves. Belonging gave my kids the freedom to do just that.
Creating A Belonging-First Approach
Belonging isn’t just a nice idea—it’s the soil where growth takes root. When 2e kids are treated as though they already belong, their challenges don’t magically disappear. But once relieved of the implication that they must first earn their place, their ability to thrive becomes possible. So how can we foster this at school?
At FlexSchool, we start at the cultural level. “Make sure that students and teachers are educated about different learning styles, about learning disabilities and about different needs of different students. And how different doesn't mean bad. It just means different,” explains Asher Bank, M.A., Ed.M., one of our counselors at FlexSchool. “Creating that culture from the start can really make or break an entire school when it comes to the sense of belonging for 2e kids.”
Another way any school can promote belonging is to lean into student interests. “Helping 2e students identify their own special interests, and also bringing that into the school environment, can be life-changing,” says Asher. For example, creating clubs for games like Dungeons and Dragons or Magic the Gathering can provide a “structured, consistent, and reliable group of people with a similar interest.” (See our full video interview with Asher and more by subscribing to 2e 101.)
Whether you choose a complete change of scenery for your child, or just advocate for changes in their current setting, the important thing is to embrace them as they are—whole, capable, and worthy of belonging. Because when they feel it, they’ll show us just how much they can bloom.
For free tools and resources to improve your child’s learning environment, watch this interview with visit 2e 101: Support 2e at School.
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